For many years I have believed that I've properly understood my role and responsibility as a godly woman. Based on excellent teaching from my
church, I learned that my job as a Godly woman was to be a
helper, to be
submissive, and to be
respectful.
Learning that God had very specific things to say about how to function as a woman was freeing. Instead, of just fighting for my rights, manipulating, and scrambling to make sure my husband was meeting my needs I could learn to rest in the instructions from the Bible, especially when I learned that God had specific written instructions for my husband too (love, learn, lead, provide, protect).
Those first four years of marriage were pretty interesting, especially for the poor guy that got stuck with me, my dear strong, loyal Quiet Hero. It's a gift from God to me that he has such a strong view of commitment and always doing what is right no matter how much it cost him. Otherwise, by now I'm sure I would be referring to him as my ex-dear strong, loyal Quiet Hero.
Here we are, almost 20 years later, and both of us would agree that our marriage is sweeter, more fun, more adventurous, more satisfying, more relaxing, more sexy, and more fulfilling than ever. This is no thanks to me, but it's purely by the grace and mercy of God.
Over these past 18 years of marriage I have learned so much about what it really means to be respectful and submissive. Praise God, because I was mouthy! I also really learned what the role of woman actually means, in large part thanks to the books,
What's The Difference? and
This Momentary Marriage.
But one thing I've only thought I understood until recently was the woman's role of Helper. At this point there are so many things I'd like to say I'm afraid it's going to all come out as a big messy blob of words. I have learned so much in the past two years, but I've especially learned a lot in the past six months
Three years ago Quiet Hero and I knew that things in our marriage and family were not what they should be, but I didn't really know what was wrong or how to fix it. Now mind you, things were good...they were just "off" and I couldn't put my finger on what exactly needed fixed. I knew that I worked too much, paid too little attention at home, and had problems focusing on the people at home while I was home because my mind was on all the other "important" things I was involved in. I was stressed all of the time and constantly felt on the edge of burnout. My kids were really not doing well...as individuals, as students, as believers, etc.
So plans were put into place for me to transition to home full time, even though I wasn't sure I'd know what to do all day just being home with the kids. I ran full speed across the finish line at work and then frantically tried to figure out what I was supposed to do to fill 168 hrs/wk at home. Quiet Hero imposed a one year sabbatical from all ministry, which I almost obeyed.
The first 6 months were pretty focused on transitioning two neglected children into little farmers who knew how to work. Poor kids....they got screamed at a lot. Then homeschooling started, and there was crying....like every single day.....from every single person.
That first year was very good for us. It was a very hard winter, which meant that we spent most of the winter snowed in. It was like God drew the fences in around our little family, and gave us what we hadn't ever had as a family....time with just each other. A lot of healing took place that year. A lot of growing and changing happened. We emerged from that year long cocoon a whole different family...relaxed, joyful, loving. It was great.
The second summer was wonderful. We had a great garden, wonderful family times together, and we were excited for our second year of school at home.
But by the fall, I was in a bad place, really lacking joy and having a hard time seeing how what I was doing was important. A couple freakout sessions with my pastor's wife helped. She has a unique way of helping me see the problem.
In the past six months God has really opened my eyes to see that not understanding my foundational role as "helper" as a woman put me in the place to struggle in many, many areas of life ultimately leading to burnout in my job, burnout in my family, and burnout in my spiritual walk.
As I learned what God taught me these past six months, my joy has overflowed and I have been able to get some very big questions about purpose of life and importance answered. I'm sure Quiet Hero is thankful. I think he was getting sick of me constantly stressing out that I wasn't doing anything "important" being stuck at home full time.
After I learned the lessons God wanted to teach me through Bible study, instructional material, and good conversations with godly women I became a little upset when I realized that "no one" in my sphere of influence had been proactive in teaching me how to be a woman. When I read in Titus 2 that the older women are to encourage the younger women to love their husband, to love their children, to be sensible workers at home, kind and subject to their own husbands I was a little sad and maybe a little disillusioned that there weren't more "older women" in my life PROACTIVELY showing me HOW to be a godly Helper....especially when the result is that the Word of God is dishonored when women don't know this.
Titus 23 "Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, 4 so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, 5 to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored."
To be fair it's probably most likely that there were older women along the way offering help and I was too busy and focused on "important" things to learn and grow from them.
But realistically, I don't remember very many older women pulling me aside and saying "Listen, little girl, you obviously don't know what you're doing as a wife, so I'm going to love you enough to teach you." There was one lady who did this, and she ended up being the one that told me "Oh honey, we don't talk about our husbands in this home." It was revolutionary to hear that there were people who thought it was wrong to talk bad about your husband. That conversation was life changing!
So instead of belaboring the fact that I'm almost 40 years old, and I'm just learning what it really means to be a Helper, I'm going to start functioning as the "older woman" to as many "younger women" as I can about this topic.
I have never known a time in my whole life when feminism was not understood and encouraged. Without even realizing it, I had embraced feminism in my thoughts, my conduct, and my goals. Feminism espouses female leadership and equality, but really they are teaching that men should be subservient to women. And seeing the results of the
curse, what women wouldn't be empowered by that.
I want to be a godly woman. I want to understand my role as a Helper, first to my husband, but then to all men in my life to whatever degree our relationship makes that loving.
This blog is designed to help explain the "how" of being a Helper. Women in the church get influenced just as much as heathen women how to be influential leaders being important in their worlds. I feel like there are very few examples, even in a good and godly church, showing the younger women "how" to be a Helper in practical ways.
When I started seeing how practical it is to be a Helper, I felt like a whole new person, with depths of purpose, and loads of joy.
I want that to continue for myself. But I really want it to grow for my daughters, who have the chance to see a feminist redeemed right in front of their eyes, at an age where they are old enough to remember the change. I want my girls to be able to embrace their role and purpose from God's Word so that they may focus their talents and skills to serve him all of their days!
